I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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