i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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