I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
