I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
