omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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