once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
