you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I party with great urgency now.
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