the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
