we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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