.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
