Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
