It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
