So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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