i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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