My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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