i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
