If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
