That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
