i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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