How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
