how can u be prego again
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can text with my tongue
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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