Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
