how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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