Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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