So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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