you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
