I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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