Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
