I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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