I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize