Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
