made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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