Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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