Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
