pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
