My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
