Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
