Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
