You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
