You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
