I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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