When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize