Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
