Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
