if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
