Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize