Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I did not marry a roomba.
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