Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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