Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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