her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
