his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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