Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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