I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
