i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
