You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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