you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
