I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize