Don't make out with my wife yet
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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