Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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