The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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