you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
