sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
We smell like vodka and hangover
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
