I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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