Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
